Heart falls–glass vase. . . down
Droplets and shards splay with force
Dreams, with them, splatter.
Heart aches–lost in gloom
Dull and flat to spite the sun
Hopes, defied and slain.
Heart hardens–dark shroud
Surrounds, squeezes, tender shoot
Shriveled, left to die.
Violently as from sleep
Final thrust for life.
Heart cries–help me, please–
Sobs deeply heaving, need dire;
Light enters, here, now.
Heart heals–sunrise warms,
Kissing snowdrops, melt to tears
warming buds unfurl.
Heart rejoices–Grace is!
Joy and life fill broken heart
Carry on to love.
©Joan T. Warren
DPchallenge this week, to write five Haiku (or more) about anything. I choose to write this series, a journey of grace.
What do you think of splatter or shatter in the first one (active voice)? And in The Ache “under the sun”?
Thank you for sharing your heart with us.
Thanks for your feedback, and for taking the time to read these thoughts of mine. Here’s what I’m thinking in response:
The first “feeling” I started with was a memory, of a time my dreams were not just dashed, but splattered or splayed. Then I began the Haiku, and the past replayed as though it were the present. I left the change of tense to give that sense of how our past and present overlap in the world of emotions. Perhaps, though, it creates instead a grammatical stumblingblock, and needs revision.
The second, despite the sun, is a deliberate choice that represents a defiance of sorts. Almost to say “to spite the sun.” Is there a reason you like under the sun better?
Oh, “to spite the sun” would turn it around, add such flavor. Very nice.
Of course I understand – and respect – the process and reasons that lead to the product on “paper”. But obviously we also negotiate the final decision of wording given how we will come across to the reader. We can mean X and had said it for (the reason of) Y, but if the most common reading will end up being Z, we might want to rethink.
Not to try to convince. Just responding to your response. =)
I would never impose anything on the writer. Just my two cents to take or toss.
You think so? I wanted to say to spite the sun but thought it might be too odd. I’ll try these suggestions out and see how they fare!
Step back, come back
with a fresh eye.
I like this series of haiku as a whole, but the first was definitely my favorite. “The Fall” was artfully composed. Thank you for posting 🙂
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Hi Joan, I really love “The Nurturing” , beautiful, positive imagery 🙂
Thank you, yes, it makes the suffering worth going through, and taken together empowers us to have a richer life to share.